I stood on the edge staring down into the dark murky water. Fear rising in my belly.
Surely nothing good would be awaiting me at the bottom.
My mind confirmed these thoughts.
Urging me to look up instead of down.
Trying incessantly to get me to step away from the edge.
My mind wants me to focus on love and light,
But there was something down there.
As if a force, greater than me, was pulling me down.
Despite my mind, my heart knew the inevitable.
I pushed my fear aside and I dove in.
I traveled deeper and deeper into the darkness.
Falling to the places where light ceased to exist.
Until I found myself at the bottom of the murky waters.
Black as night, I could not see. Oh, but I could feel.
I could feel all the ways in which I’ve kept myself away from this place.
I could feel the resistance in my body.
However fearful, I knew I had to surrender and drop all the way in.
There was no going back now.
I sat amongst the sediment.
No longer needing to breathe I fully let myself go.
My body began to relax into the unknown.
The masks of who I presented myself to be dissolved.
There was no need for them here.
My tears became one with the water as I started to recall all of the feelings and emotions that I had left here.
Compassion washed over me as I realized just how much I had sent into the depths.
Knowing that at the time it was my only option.
In order to survive, I packed it all away.
But this. This was the unpacking.
This was the unlearning of all that had been placed upon me.
I had to allow it to slowly rise up within me.
Heavy as it may be.
Thick like molasses.
Steeped in leaves and sticks it was hard to look at the ugliness without wanting to turn away.
Methodically, I washed away the sludge and the silt.
The parts of me that had been suffocating in all this compostable matter.
Layer by layer it all unraveled at my fingertips.
With each cleansing I became lighter.
I started to rise from the bottom.
Tiny rays of light began to pierce through the darkness of the water.
Illuminating all the dust and debris that was stirred up around me.
The light was showing me the way back home.
As I continued to cleanse and float higher I thought about all the time I spent being weighed down.
Struggling to stay afloat at the surface of my life.
Lashing out. Filled with rage and tears.
When all I needed to do was plunge down into the depths.
Into the murky waters.
Into the underworld to acknowledge what awaited me.
To listen. To feel. And to heal all that lived here.
All that had been hidden away.
The more I leaned into the pain, the lighter I became.
Until I arrived floating weightlessly at the top.
The sun shining down upon my face.
The cool air finding its way back into my lungs.
I am changed.
In more ways than I can find words.
Not because of what I uncovered in the darkness,
But for what I was able to let go of.
For it was not mine to begin with.
I allow myself to stay here in this moment for a little while longer.
Floating in the luminal space of who I was and who I have yet to be.
Feeling into this new state of being and acknowledging the enormity of the journey I had embarked on.
Eventually, I make my way out of the water.
Returning to the shores of my life with a new understanding of who I was and who I was not.
Of what I would accept and what I would not.
A deep reverence for boundaries that are sacred and holy ground.
I stepped out of that water with an understanding that nothing can damage my soul.
Nothing can truly hurt the part of me that exists beyond this physical realm.
While I am here on this earth, I am whole.
I am exactly where I am meant to be.
And I am having the exact experiences that I need for my soul's evolution.
I walk away from the darkness knowing that I’m a part of both worlds and that I’m never far from either.
(Written by: Hera Morgan)